I was late, maybe an hour or twelve, after the first month you stop counting, stop noticing, like so many things now time is just one of them. Sometimes it’s in the small things, a glass dropping water into a disappearing puddle, or a splash of bright yellow upon white walls, one second there and the next gone, irrelevant imaginary mirages. Sometimes it’s pleasant, you find words set on smoke or falling black dots upon a clear sky, phantom sounds and fictional touches of incorporeal presences. Yesterday it was the clock, time and hours and minutes and seconds become useless and senseless, another unreal, pointless, fabricated illusion. What is real when everything feels cold and fake and hollow? There is no reality, no consequences, I can jump off a bridge or crash my car, I can steal and set the world on fire, and nothing really matters.
Today, I saw my mom setting breakfast for me and my brother, some bickering some yelling, even some smirks and frowns. I know them, I know they are my family, I know their names and the way they smile, how she wears white when she’s happy and the way he sings off key at night. Today they were strangers wearing familiar faces, I know them yet there is no connection, no emotion, nothing. Nothing feels real, not the time, not the relationships, not life, yet my brain keeps telling it may be, just as I may be a player in a videogame with Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats, a dream Alice in a Wasteland day in and day out. Which is which? What IS real?
I knew them, friends, family, reality, but yet today I don’t, maybe tomorrow I will. One day at a time… it passes, it always does…
Itzia Perez Morales is a Psychiatric Research MSc student and a Residence Warden at Julian Markham House.
My name is Itzia I am a Psychiatric Research MSc student from Mexico City, and I am one of the Residence Wardens at Julian Markham House. My BA was in Psychology (Clinical Track), and I have worked and volunteered in children and young people mental health services for over 5 years, as I want to be a research practitioner in clinical child psychology.