‘I got in’
‘Can you believe it’
I’ve just checked my UCAS page
It’s 8 am, a Thursday
I’m in my pyjamas
My two parents are sat opposite me
My mum’s doing that annoying thing she does when she gets stressed
Her fingers are in her mouth and she’s chewing them to bits
I feel numb and empty inside
I’m happy
I think I am happy
I didn’t sleep last night worrying about this
I now get to enjoy my car journey to school to pick up the envelope
On the way, I tell Dad to pull over as I throw up on the side of the road
All standard stuff for me of course
My body’s natural reaction to stress has always been to vomit
At school and there’s so much noise
I am beaming
I haven’t seen any of these people for 2 months
I take the corridor in my stride
It’s a catwalk for the academics I think
All the conversation’s I have, are done with a smile on my face
‘This is it’ I think
‘Well done mate’ I say to my friend
Targets were set and achieved
So much work, so much putting your life on hold
Now this the moment
University
A path not taken by anyone in the family
I’m getting out
This is the place where you become what you’ve always wanted
The place where that bloke’s grandson discovered a love for film photography
On top of his math’s degree
And that’s now his job
The place where that guy met his wife Sarah
They decided to retire in the university town where they met
York I think, Isn’t that great?
Or the place where your Aunt met her best friends
You remember Emma, don’t you?
I could go on university challenge now, I think
Wouldn’t that make your grandmother proud
The 10th of July two years later
Second year exam results are out
I’ve got an email from the bioscience department
‘You have not progressed into 3rd year’
‘A resit exam has been granted’
But
I don’t understand
I revised, didn’t I?
I sat the exam
I put in the work and now I’m supposed to reap the success
Isn’t that how it works?
Isn’t that how it works?
My chest has closed
I was sat on the sofa next to my mum and dad
Popped back home for a few days
We are watching a film
It’s Billy Elliot
It’s just got to the bit where he’s running down the street dancing
I love this film
But my phone is in my hand
The email is there
What do I do
This can’t be real
I’m doing it, the university thing
I’ve moved out
I’m going to clubs
I’ve got some friends
But, yet I feel like this isn’t right
It’s less of a personal development and more of an assault course
Each hurdle a little higher
Each mud patch a little thicker
‘You need to pull yourself together’
Hebe is a third year Nutrition student at King’s College London.
Hello, I’m Hebe, a student and Social Secretary of ThinkMental. Like many people, mental health is something I never thought would affect me until it did. Since then I’ve been determined to spread awareness and understanding of mental health issues. Honesty about the way we feel in the form of conversation, poetry or art is something which I feel is paramount to reducing stigma and letting people know they are not on their own.
